Dwarf Warlock


Hmm, don’t have my char sheet with me so this won’t be complete but-

Kord-worshipping, chainmail-wearing, warhammer-wielding dwarf

Dislikes: Nosy gnomes, eloquent elves, and dragonborn drivel


(from a story told by Todge in a bar)

So you want to know about me, do ya?

Well, I suppose I can tell you a bit of a story.

This little adventure started as me and my six brothers were returning from a mining expedition in the mountains to the north. I lived in the foothills at the time, and we had to trek over a couple of three mountains to get to the mine site. My brothers and I, we’re good miners, like most dwarves, but that mine site was old, and mostly played out. We’d been down in the mine about a week, and I’d been having a good time, blowing up rocks with blasts and explosives. I guess that’s how I got interested in the whole warlock gig in the first place – blasting rocks and whatnot – burning stuff is fun too, when you don’t have something to blast. But anyway, as I was saying, we’d been down there about a week in a played-out mine, so we hadn’t gotten much in the way of precious ores or gems.

So here we were, heading home, trudging over the first of the mountains on the way back, when we saw it. Now I know you’re asking yourself, “What was it? Was it a troll? Or a giant? Or a great big mass of orcs to slaughter?” Unfortunately, it was none of those things. It started out as just a gleam, a glitter, a reflection. Being dwarves, we naturally had to check that out. As we got closer, we realized it was a great big chunk of glass. As we got closer still, we noticed that this great big chunk of glass enclosed a human female.

This is when the arguing among me and my brothers started. The first, and obvious question, was whether the human inside was still alive. Now, there were no air holes in that glass, and there were no signs of breathing, or heartbeat, or anything, so we determined the female was dead. The second question was what to do with this dead girl and her glass coffin. Now some of us were for leaving her there, and some of us were for digging her a decent grave and burying her in it, but some of us wanted to take that coffin back with us.

Now I know all of you are asking, “Why take that coffin back Todge?” The answer is simple. Do you know how difficult it is to make big panes of glass? Do you know, moreover, how difficult it is to make big CURVED panes of glass? That stuff is not cheap, and moreover, we needed new glass for our windows at home. I know most people think of dwarves as underground dwellers without much need for natural light, but let me tell you, we like our windows just as much as the next race. So basically, we were going to take that coffin back with us, use our tools to cut it down into nice sizes for our windows, build a new wooden coffin for the human, and bury her properly.

So we started back off home, lugging around that coffin, and let me tell you, dwarves are strong, but even so, that glass was heavy. We’d lugged that thing down one mountain, up a second, and down that one as well, when a human on a horse appeared. Now this LUNATIC rides up to us, yelling some garbage about “Foul beasts, release that maiden!”, and let me tell you, even though we might have smelled a bit after a week in the mines, we don’t appreciate having attention drawn to it, and we certainly are not beasts. Anyhow, as I was saying, this lunatic rides up, pulls out sword, and brings it down on that glass coffin.

Now I don’t know if you’ve ever seen glass truly shatter, or if you’ve just seen it break, but when it shatters, shards of that stuff goes EVERYWHERE. Since we were carrying it, the principle place it went was on us. In our hair, in our beards, with little cuts and slivers all over our bodies. Naturally, we were very much NOT pleased with that situation.

So there we were, trying to brush this glass off of ourselves, and I look up, and this guy is over there kissing this dead chick. Now I’m like, that’s a bit odd, and disrespectful, and if you’re doing that, there’s certainly no reason for you to be calling US names, when the damnedest thing happened. Now I’ve seen some fucked up things, and I’m sure all of you have too, but this was the most fucked up thing that I think I will ever see. For that dead chick? She came right back to life.

Now that dead chick? She turned out to be a human princess, ensorcelled or some nonsense. Should have figured from the ridiculously expensive and impractical glass coffin, right? And that lunatic on a horse? He was a human prince. Now I know all of you know where this is going. Blah blah blah, wedding bells, blah blah blah. Most of you probably think that is going to end with some happily ever after bit too. Nooooooo my friend, I’m afraid that’s not the case.

Here’s what really happened. After that couple was married a couple of months, my brothers and I had an unpleasant surprise. We arrived back home from another mining expedition, and who was waiting for us there on our doorstep, but that princess, in tears, bawling about how that prince didn’t understand her, he didn’t treat her properly, and she just had to leave him.

So, just when we had managed to get her calmed down, get her tears tried, and start to think rationally again, and let me tell you, that was a chore, guess who shows up. That’s right, Mr. Prince. And of course, he’s contrite, he’s sorry, he’s willing to do anything to make her happy again. But that wasn’t the worst part. No, my friends, the worst part was that he started singing. And then the princess started singing, and they both started COOING. I never thought I’d ever see anything coo except doves until I saw that. It was nauseating.

So once again, they head off to their happily ever after. And then, six months later, guess who is once again on our doorstep, and again three months after that, and four months after that, and six months after that. Eventually, I couldn’t take any more of it, so I said goodbye to my brothers, and moved here to the city where one of my cousins said he could help me find some work.


Langliv Gnod